Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Dear Paris

Quote by Conrad Hilton

Dear Paris,
"Mom, Mom! It's not right," you said.
Well, life isn't fair.
And what a cold bucket of water it was for you to learn in such a way.
But hey, I guess you had to learn sometime.
Or that's what we tell our kids.
As it was told to us.
And as we keep finding out, even when we are in our middle ages.

You think your term didn't fit the crime?

Well, the judge seemed to think you deserved time in the slammer. How stupid do you have to be to understand NO is NO when it comes to driving without a license? How pathetic was it for you to blame the people that "handle" you, as though you were an illiterate, vegetative being, who cannot make decisions for herself? It seems you've picked out your outifts and plastic surgeon without any issues. Seems if you can do this, you can read the junk that comes in the mail.

It's true, maybe the rich don't. But that sure as hell isn't how Conrad Hilton started out way out there in nowheresville Texas in 1919. This was before your family settled into the vat of aimlessness that you exhibit now. He took a few risks. I doubt anyone handled him. What happened? Did the tradition of hiring people to do things for them rub away those instinctive edges that makes sturdier people? Conrad obviously thought so. When he died, he left nothing to his descendants. Nada. But your granpappy Baron contested the will. So here you are now. Conrad's worst nightmare: a pretty slacker with a knack for burger porn.

From what I've read in that glossy trash magazine Vanity Fair, you're a nice, well mannered person. Everyone one should be, but perhaps it's different for you. You live from party-to-party so you need to be. But here's where maybe a bit of meanness could come in. Fire your PR person. Then fire all the other people that you pay to do things for you. Then break away for the major dorkage that has stuck to your family since they became rich. Go to a very small, liberal arts college in nowheresville USA. Not an Ivy, no. That won't do. But somewhere where the kids aren't rich, they're kind of gawky, and totally unlike you. BTW, we're not talking about another dumb TV show. We're talking about college, where you do things like study. Make friends. Get A's. Join a tutorial group. Major in something. Get a degree. Then decide what you want to do. Sure, you're a bit older, but hey.... you're kind of behind anyway.

But don't go on yet another major PR junket in an attempt to reshape your public persona.
Be somebody of your chosing. Earn it.
And shut yer yap. Get off the TV.


Mary Witzl said...

Funny post, Kanani, and very apt.

I worked my way through college by doing half a dozen different jobs -- waiting on tables, babysitting, house cleaning, typing. I'd love to see this young lady give it a go. For me, working was an education almost as valuable as the degree I eventually got.

Ooh, do I sound old.

Carole said...

I didn't think this post was so funny as completely pertinent. I love the research you did on Conrad Hilton and the clear concise advice you gave Paris. Excellent, excellent, excellent.

Kanani said...

At the airport I saw her on PEOPLE magazine. "My days in jail." I was sickened by it, and didn't bother to pick it up.

Truly, she's showing herself to be as shallow as everyone expects.

How completely unoriginal.