Get Lost With Easy-Writer: Merry Christmas

By Kanani Fong

My house is always the slowest one to get decorated. While neighbors are very efficient at getting their lights up with military precision the day after Thanksgiving, I tend to put a strand up, forget what I'm doing, then start again on another day. The entire process takes weeks. Some days the lights go on, others they don't. I finally finished this afternoon, putting up some plastic ornaments on a bare myrtle tree. (The lights are new LED strands which use 88% less energy).

I was barefoot and standing in the front yard, when Santa drove by in a white Mercedes convertible with a buxom blond elf in the passenger seat. "Merry Christmas" they both yelled, they drove away laughing. It's not Currier and Ives here, it's Santa in a Merc with a babe out of Victoria's Secret. Which brings to mind what else happened today.

My kids and I were driving across a parking lot, when a skinny woman crossed in front of me. You could tell by her movements that she was a clumsy awkward person. It was in her gait, the way she held her hand. But most of all, it was the way she walked with her enormous bought boobs (maybe they were a gift from Santa and the elf). She appeared to walk on her tippy toes in a shuffle that followed the lead of her boobs, her body bent in a forward angle. It was as if there were a small chihuahua nipping at her heels, propelling her forward as if by surprise. Her hair was dyed and teased, the t-shirt was tight. The boobs were so over-sized that they made her look like a Looney tune.

From the back seat, my son said, "Did you see that?"
"Yes," I said.
"Well, I can't believe it. They're so high."
"Enormous," I said.
"Yeah, I can't believe that little girl was wearing such big UGG boots. I hate UGGS. They're so ugly."
"UGGS?" I asked.
Just then, I caught sight of the girl he was referring to, which was not the shuffling double breasted boobie who had wandered in front of our car. This girl over to the side was wearing bright pink UGGS and they seemed to take up her entire leg.I started laughing.

Tonight I am baking persimmon bread. The kids are watching The Simpson's Movie, I washed the dog. So my Christmas Eve consists of the scent of bread, the sounds of Homer Simpson and laughter, along with the smell of a wet dog. It's Christmas Eve, and it's swell.