Mental Health Directory

Hello and thank you for calling the Looney Bin.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay
on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term Memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,
press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are
too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the
fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it
up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care Week. You can
do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to
show you care.

Well, my job is done...your turn.