GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's
for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff
you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the
white people's version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you
don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days
--- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a
seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to
contain... Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers
are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky
bastards.'
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If
you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,
they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your
eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap
at the supermarket. Water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch
over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill
bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you
walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet, 'Ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My
PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be
ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with
broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God
you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN
Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,
competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard
Stern Show.'
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's
two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than
minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries
with that?
I find this quite humorous, so save your 'George Carlin didn't write this, Check out Snopes.com' for someone who really cares.
Nubia
SAT FEB 2nd, 2008 at 6:00 PM
